Everything Changes

So Jesse and I may be moving into a house together. I know I know it seems soon as a "couple" but we are living together and have been for months now. And before I moved back home Zach, Iggy, Jesse, and I all lived in a cabin together. So its not that strange.

Anyways its a small one floor house. The woman who was living there passed away and now here kids are going to rent it out. I have just seen it from the outside and its pretty nice. It just has one bedroom but also a large attic that is in nice condition that could be made into a hang out area or guest bedroom. They are friends with my brother and they said that yes we can bring our animals but we will have to pay a seperate payment for them monthly to stay there. They like that all four of the dogs are fairly small and then of course the cats. So really it could all work out.

But as of right now the people renting it have not decided on a set price they want the rent to be monthly. If its reasonable we will move in no problem. But if it is super high then we will just stay here at my moms until something comes along. We're not in a huge hurry to move my brother just mentioned it and its worth checking into.

So wish us luck!

Im A Creep

Okay so nothing super exciting happened today. But I did get a super nifty crappy quality digital camera for 12 bucks at the dollar store lmao. So I messed around with it and got these pics. I need to pick a new display one. So let me know which one you like best? I personally like that last one alot. Sorry im so butt ugly lol but bear with me.

Can't get rid of the big empty space sorry lol.

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is!!!

Well this is going to be a band entry since they are soooooooooooo wanted ;) lol.

Lastnight the boys and I had a fairly fun gig over at Fire House Grill. They were opening up their outdoor eating/party area for the season. And every year they hire a band and give out new free drinks or food its good time for the most part. UNLESS ITS FREAKING RAINING AND WINDY!!! NOT SO FUN!!! Lol especially not for $13 each for 2 hours of playing but whatever it is money in my pocket so I can't be too upset.

First off Jesse and the boys were late getting to my place so we could load up what we needed for the show. We were supposed to be there at 4pm to set up and talk over our set with the bar owner. But nooooo we didn't get there until almost 5pm lol. Needless to say he wasent too happy with us because he had been waiting on our slow asses to get there but whatever. And what kind of protection did we have for the lovely cold rain? A spiffy blue tarp canopy thing. I don't know if you have ever stood under one of those in the rain but yeah it just brings some more chaos to your ears honestly lol.

To my surprise though despite the weather a nice group of devoted bar goers came out lol. Since they too had a spiffy tarp to stand under lol. We started our show at 7:30pm or about that time give or take. We did a handful of covers since you pretty much have to when you are playing to a group like this. A group of drunk 40 somethings do not want to here songs they don't know. They want music ranging from the 60s- to SOME from right now lol. But though I would rather do my own music I don't mind doing covers though they airn't mine some are fun. It also shows our range. For example some of the covers we did lastnight.
Let My Love Open The Door
Runaway Train
Edge of Seventeen
Ballrooms of Mars
Baby Its A Wild World
Through the Glass
Next To You
Drift And Die

I think that about sums it up and we sprinkled a couple of our own songs in there. It was good time though despite the freezing cold elements. People really liked us which was cool. I got home alittle after 10 after hanging out there with the boys for a bit. Of course by the time we left it was a freaking downpour! Now im one who loves the rain I really do. But not when its freezing cold and windy. But all and all it was a good night no getting booed off the stage ;) and once again atleast we made SOME money. Thats better than being flat broke like I was lmao.

Strange and Beautiful

Its funny how a person can change you.

How much things can change when the dynamic of a relationship changes. Its funny how your mood and personality changes. And if your lucky like me it changes in a good way.

Ever since I have given Jesse the green light so to speak things in my life seem to have shifted. I have been genuinely happy for the last week and few days give or take. Which is really rare for me I am always on the lower end of the happy spectrum. But he has changed that for me and im not sure how so much. But im happy that it has happened maybe because this huge weight has been lifted and its wonderful.

I still refuse to call him my boy friend just yet. I just don't want to put some random superficial title to what we are. Titles tend to make things more complicated. And im loving this in all its noncomplicated glory. It may not be the usual route "couples" take but both of us are far from average which is wonderful.

Of course along with those who are happy for us. There are the skeptical and thats fine. Cause really who's to say we won't last. No one knows for sure. Right now im enjoying this for what it is comfort possibly love I don't know. But also this wonderful safety. My mom swears up and down this is a bad idea. But she is going on the evidence of my past relationships. Abusers, cheaters, and just all around bad guys who I tend to attract. But I don't want to beleive that this is what will happen with Jesse. Am I talking forever here? Well no not reallly because forever is a long time. And people change.

But once again I am just consentrating on enjoying this for what it is. The begining of something bigger :). Of course im not throwing myself all in and I won't for a long time. Because its true I have been hurt constantly and I am guarded and I am battle scarred and I am wary of relationships. I guess what im fumbling for is to say im testing the waters and so far they are great and no one is going to bring me down. Because right now he's what I want.

Let Go

Lol sorry these are so long. What can I say lol I talk alot ;).

Anyways I just have a couple things to touch on today. Lol I will TRY not to make it a novel but you never know with me.

Lastnight I said goodbye to Robert. When he died I wasent there I wasent able to tell him goodbye and the millions of other things I wanted to tell him. I realized though my pain from that whole situation was running my life in a sense. And though I loved him very much I need that closure. I need to let that wound heal. If I don't it will just consume me further and I do want to move on. As cold as it sounds its true. And so lastnight I wrote him a three page letter and looked through my notebook and pulled out the song I wrote him after he passed away. I also had a single red rose. At about 8:30pm I headed to the cemetary to say goodbye. I sat and talked to his headstone for almost an hour. I then told him goodbye and walked away. I will NEVER forget him. He had such a huge impact on my life he changed me for the better. But I need to let go of the pain. And I think he would want me to.

Speaking of people who have passed away and closure............

My Grandma passed away this past Halloween from multiple strokes and brain damage. The summer before I spent a week in PA with her after her first couple strokes. But I could not visit her when she was falling apart in the hospital. My dad just told me lastnight that his siblings, aunt, and himself are going to where they buried my grandpa's ashes and they are going to take Grandma's and bury her with him. He told me he had forgotten to mention it and if I wanted to come I could. But to be honest I don't do so well with my emotions around the rest of my family. When I went to my grandma's memorial I forced myself not to cry I DID NOT want to be comforted at all. I know it sounds cold but I just don't feel comfortable when anyone but my parents see me cry or comfort me. Its not because I love the others any less I just am a guarded private person. Lol except for when it comes to blogs oh well! But I explained that I thought that was something just for them and he understood. He also told me at some point he and I will go and visit the bench they are buried at just the two of us. It is hard because out of all my grandparents (I have three sets due to my dads parents divorce) I was closest to those two. And I miss them everyday.


Well there I made a slightly shorter entry Lmao!

All These Things That I've Done

Anymore I really don't get to go out a whole lot with my friends. The most I usually get out for is the occasional grocery shopping trip or concert.

But since my best friend Lindsay is on spring break she wanted to hang out. Which was cool since we hardly ever have to to just go out and have fun. So we went to the movies and saw "21". Which both of us had read "Bringing Down the House" but we both loved the movie very much though it was different. It was pretty fast paced and far from boring. It also helped that Jim Sturgess (her favorite though I agree he is cute) and Jacob Pitts (my favorite) were in it to look at.

We then went to the mall and spent a couple hours there. Though after the movie we were both pretty broke lol had enough money for Pizza but that was it. We also ended up getting lost inside Hollister I think it was? Lol I have no idea it was dark inside and confusing. Obviously not my type of store at all. But we had fun. She then came back to my house and we hung out until 9:30 and I had to go to bed. To get up at 4:30am to babysit yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy


Speaking of friends lol I have to mention my other best friend and "twin" Breeze lol . She pretty much rocks. She's a new mom and a single mom and that and she is doing great. Her daughter is lucky to have suck a great mom. She has always been there for me to listen to all my drama and give me advice. She is just all around awesome :).

OH! Also I did not not graduate high school do to missing too much school because of illness. I also did not pass my math OGT. So I have been getting by for almost a year now with out a high school diploma. And I realized even the most simple jobs require a High School diploma. And so I applied to Stratford Career Institute online to finnish up my high school courses from home which is awesome. I will be able to do it while babysitting and in all my spare time. I am then going to take the online Vet assistant course :).


Now for a bit about Maggie.


The little girl I babysit daily is 2 years old and is a absolute animal lover. And luckily her mother has taught her the proper way to behave around animals. Atleast the best a 2 year old can behave I guess. Anyways the first day she was here I put Maggie in her crate. Just because the last experience she had with a little girl totally ruined any progress we had once made and I didn't want to scare the little girl with all of Maggies barking and carrying on.


Monday I had let Maggie sleep upstairs in my moms bed since I had to be up 4am that morning. The little girl was dropped off and was here for a couple hours before she spilled milk on her clothes lol. So I ran down in the basement to throw them in the dryer. Little did I know my mom had let Maggie out of the bedroom. When I came up there stood the little girl petting Maggie but I looked under Maggie where she submissive pee'd. Something she only does with little girls and men. I didn't make a big deal out of it just went and cleaned it up. To my surprise Maggie did really well with the girl. She didn't bark or growl or whine which are her usual only responses to girls her age. I kept close tabs on them both and always carefully supervised pets and all of that. I could tell Maggie was very unsure but she allowed the little girl to do as she pleased. I was over all surprised and pleased at how well Maggie did honestly.


I am so happy right now. Maggie has decided she loves the little girl I have been babysitting. Like I said before I think it really helps that the little girl has been raised to behave around animals. Yesterday I noticed Maggie actually wagged her tail at her a tiny bit. Today when she got dropped off Maggie climbed right up on to the couch sniffing her face and wagging her tail like crazy! It sounds like its not such a big deal. But for a dog that usually panics and tries to run when a little girl is around. This is HUGE . Actually right now Maggie is laying on the couch with her! I am so proud of her I just hope it helps with other little girls as well.


Now if I could just get her over her fear of men.......

Lol oh about the picture its about a year old. My hair is different and im not as pale anymore lmao. But yup thats me and the Mags!

Baby Its A Wild World

So the cardinal rule of music.........Do NOT romance within the band.....Lol well I am currently breaking that rule. Let me start from the begining.

About a year ago like I said in my last entry I started a new band with new boys.

When I had been in Last Kiss Robert and I though there was a age difference and he had a GF had kissed twice and it went alittle farther once. It was a big secret because like I said we had an age difference. But even more so because relationships can complicate the dynamic of the band.

When I brought Jesse, Zach, and Iggy into my life I told myself that I WOULD NOT fall for any of them. Well that was hard with Jesse. He is probley one of the best looking guys I have ever met. He is a mix of Billy Currington and Dierks Bentley lol in looks if you can imagine them mixed into one tall dark haired English boy lol. Oh yeah he's from the UK straight from England with a super thick sometimes hard to understand accent which tends to make girls knee's buckle lmao.

My only excuse for what happen next was I was lonely and hadent had real physical contact with the opposite sex in a long LONG time lol. So he and both being attracted to each other made a deal. We would be "friends with benefits" but we both had to make sure we did not become emotionally involved at all! It was fun for awhile though there was no sex surprisingly enough. He did spend alot of nights at my house which I shared with my mom. She was worried at first because though I was 18 he was still in his 20s (he's now 23). But I didn't see the big deal honestly. But the big deal was when Jesse became emotionally attatched. I told him that was not the deal and we had to stop. And we did. Stupid me thought it could work that way.......But it was obvious when he couldn't get over it when I started dating a much older guy (28) and at they point where they actually got in a physical fight over me! In the end my BF and I parted on good terms for the most part.

So months have gone by and around Christmas time he left to visit his family in the UK for the Holidays. He had a crappy roommate who treated him pretty crappy and had no respect for him. When he came back to the US he found all of his stuff in their garage. While Jesse was gone his roommate moved in his GF and moved Jesse out! With nowhere to go my mom offered him the basement but he had to pay rent just like I did. He actually has a really nice set up bathroom/shower, living room, and bedroom. He also brought his three small dogs Tino, Badger, and Zeppelin.

Things had gone fine for awhile up until Chris from Last Kiss came in the picture. He was supposed to be getting married and I was going to sing at his wedding. Surprisingly enough Chris and I had been getting along and actually became friends after Roberts death. Well then about a month ago the idiot tried to kiss me and tell me he loved me. To make a long story short he called off his wedding because he realized he wasent really in love with her. I met with him a couple times to talk and I did consider how I felt about him. I didn't lie to Jesse though I came home and would answer all his questions which upset him.

About a week ago though I realized it was all wrong with Chris. I just felt like I had contributed to him calling off his wedding and that made me feel horrible. I have battled sever depression all my life and have a history of suicidal tendancies and eating disorders. But I have done really well for a few years now. But right now I have no health insurance and could not afford my meds. And so because of all the stress I backslid. I had cut myself and hadent eaten in 4 days. My mom then offered the money to pay for my pills. When this all went on Chris had not called me to see if I was okay and hasent called me since. But when I walked in the door coming back from my doctors appointment there was Jesse waiting for me inside the door arms out ready to embrace me. I walked over and he wrapped me in the biggest tightest safest feeling hug I had had in long time. I hadent felt so safe in someones arms since Robert.

Two days ago I was faced with something important. Jesse told me he had to move out and leave the band. He could not just stand by and watch me fall into anouther relationship. He told me he was very much in love with me. And he knew no matter how much I denied it I was in love with him too. He then told my face in his hands and asked me why I couldn't just let those walls down? He then left telling me he would start moving out the next day. I realized with all my heart I did not want him out of my life. But I was terrfied of starting a relationship with him because the pain would be even worse when/if we were to break up. A good friend of mine asked me though. Is the what if's worse than not trying at all? I thought about it long and hard.......

That night he when he came home I told him he would have to be patient. But I would like to slowly see where we could go as more than just friends. And so thats the story so far. We airn't "boyfriend and girlfriend" or "dating" just yet but we are working up to that. And honestly I am excited and happy about it. I think i might love him we will see!!!!