Baby Its A Wild World

So the cardinal rule of music.........Do NOT romance within the band.....Lol well I am currently breaking that rule. Let me start from the begining.

About a year ago like I said in my last entry I started a new band with new boys.

When I had been in Last Kiss Robert and I though there was a age difference and he had a GF had kissed twice and it went alittle farther once. It was a big secret because like I said we had an age difference. But even more so because relationships can complicate the dynamic of the band.

When I brought Jesse, Zach, and Iggy into my life I told myself that I WOULD NOT fall for any of them. Well that was hard with Jesse. He is probley one of the best looking guys I have ever met. He is a mix of Billy Currington and Dierks Bentley lol in looks if you can imagine them mixed into one tall dark haired English boy lol. Oh yeah he's from the UK straight from England with a super thick sometimes hard to understand accent which tends to make girls knee's buckle lmao.

My only excuse for what happen next was I was lonely and hadent had real physical contact with the opposite sex in a long LONG time lol. So he and both being attracted to each other made a deal. We would be "friends with benefits" but we both had to make sure we did not become emotionally involved at all! It was fun for awhile though there was no sex surprisingly enough. He did spend alot of nights at my house which I shared with my mom. She was worried at first because though I was 18 he was still in his 20s (he's now 23). But I didn't see the big deal honestly. But the big deal was when Jesse became emotionally attatched. I told him that was not the deal and we had to stop. And we did. Stupid me thought it could work that way.......But it was obvious when he couldn't get over it when I started dating a much older guy (28) and at they point where they actually got in a physical fight over me! In the end my BF and I parted on good terms for the most part.

So months have gone by and around Christmas time he left to visit his family in the UK for the Holidays. He had a crappy roommate who treated him pretty crappy and had no respect for him. When he came back to the US he found all of his stuff in their garage. While Jesse was gone his roommate moved in his GF and moved Jesse out! With nowhere to go my mom offered him the basement but he had to pay rent just like I did. He actually has a really nice set up bathroom/shower, living room, and bedroom. He also brought his three small dogs Tino, Badger, and Zeppelin.

Things had gone fine for awhile up until Chris from Last Kiss came in the picture. He was supposed to be getting married and I was going to sing at his wedding. Surprisingly enough Chris and I had been getting along and actually became friends after Roberts death. Well then about a month ago the idiot tried to kiss me and tell me he loved me. To make a long story short he called off his wedding because he realized he wasent really in love with her. I met with him a couple times to talk and I did consider how I felt about him. I didn't lie to Jesse though I came home and would answer all his questions which upset him.

About a week ago though I realized it was all wrong with Chris. I just felt like I had contributed to him calling off his wedding and that made me feel horrible. I have battled sever depression all my life and have a history of suicidal tendancies and eating disorders. But I have done really well for a few years now. But right now I have no health insurance and could not afford my meds. And so because of all the stress I backslid. I had cut myself and hadent eaten in 4 days. My mom then offered the money to pay for my pills. When this all went on Chris had not called me to see if I was okay and hasent called me since. But when I walked in the door coming back from my doctors appointment there was Jesse waiting for me inside the door arms out ready to embrace me. I walked over and he wrapped me in the biggest tightest safest feeling hug I had had in long time. I hadent felt so safe in someones arms since Robert.

Two days ago I was faced with something important. Jesse told me he had to move out and leave the band. He could not just stand by and watch me fall into anouther relationship. He told me he was very much in love with me. And he knew no matter how much I denied it I was in love with him too. He then told my face in his hands and asked me why I couldn't just let those walls down? He then left telling me he would start moving out the next day. I realized with all my heart I did not want him out of my life. But I was terrfied of starting a relationship with him because the pain would be even worse when/if we were to break up. A good friend of mine asked me though. Is the what if's worse than not trying at all? I thought about it long and hard.......

That night he when he came home I told him he would have to be patient. But I would like to slowly see where we could go as more than just friends. And so thats the story so far. We airn't "boyfriend and girlfriend" or "dating" just yet but we are working up to that. And honestly I am excited and happy about it. I think i might love him we will see!!!!