Everything Changes

So Jesse and I may be moving into a house together. I know I know it seems soon as a "couple" but we are living together and have been for months now. And before I moved back home Zach, Iggy, Jesse, and I all lived in a cabin together. So its not that strange.

Anyways its a small one floor house. The woman who was living there passed away and now here kids are going to rent it out. I have just seen it from the outside and its pretty nice. It just has one bedroom but also a large attic that is in nice condition that could be made into a hang out area or guest bedroom. They are friends with my brother and they said that yes we can bring our animals but we will have to pay a seperate payment for them monthly to stay there. They like that all four of the dogs are fairly small and then of course the cats. So really it could all work out.

But as of right now the people renting it have not decided on a set price they want the rent to be monthly. If its reasonable we will move in no problem. But if it is super high then we will just stay here at my moms until something comes along. We're not in a huge hurry to move my brother just mentioned it and its worth checking into.

So wish us luck!

Im A Creep

Okay so nothing super exciting happened today. But I did get a super nifty crappy quality digital camera for 12 bucks at the dollar store lmao. So I messed around with it and got these pics. I need to pick a new display one. So let me know which one you like best? I personally like that last one alot. Sorry im so butt ugly lol but bear with me.

Can't get rid of the big empty space sorry lol.

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is!!!

Well this is going to be a band entry since they are soooooooooooo wanted ;) lol.

Lastnight the boys and I had a fairly fun gig over at Fire House Grill. They were opening up their outdoor eating/party area for the season. And every year they hire a band and give out new free drinks or food its good time for the most part. UNLESS ITS FREAKING RAINING AND WINDY!!! NOT SO FUN!!! Lol especially not for $13 each for 2 hours of playing but whatever it is money in my pocket so I can't be too upset.

First off Jesse and the boys were late getting to my place so we could load up what we needed for the show. We were supposed to be there at 4pm to set up and talk over our set with the bar owner. But nooooo we didn't get there until almost 5pm lol. Needless to say he wasent too happy with us because he had been waiting on our slow asses to get there but whatever. And what kind of protection did we have for the lovely cold rain? A spiffy blue tarp canopy thing. I don't know if you have ever stood under one of those in the rain but yeah it just brings some more chaos to your ears honestly lol.

To my surprise though despite the weather a nice group of devoted bar goers came out lol. Since they too had a spiffy tarp to stand under lol. We started our show at 7:30pm or about that time give or take. We did a handful of covers since you pretty much have to when you are playing to a group like this. A group of drunk 40 somethings do not want to here songs they don't know. They want music ranging from the 60s- to SOME from right now lol. But though I would rather do my own music I don't mind doing covers though they airn't mine some are fun. It also shows our range. For example some of the covers we did lastnight.
Let My Love Open The Door
Runaway Train
Edge of Seventeen
Ballrooms of Mars
Baby Its A Wild World
Through the Glass
Next To You
Drift And Die

I think that about sums it up and we sprinkled a couple of our own songs in there. It was good time though despite the freezing cold elements. People really liked us which was cool. I got home alittle after 10 after hanging out there with the boys for a bit. Of course by the time we left it was a freaking downpour! Now im one who loves the rain I really do. But not when its freezing cold and windy. But all and all it was a good night no getting booed off the stage ;) and once again atleast we made SOME money. Thats better than being flat broke like I was lmao.

Strange and Beautiful

Its funny how a person can change you.

How much things can change when the dynamic of a relationship changes. Its funny how your mood and personality changes. And if your lucky like me it changes in a good way.

Ever since I have given Jesse the green light so to speak things in my life seem to have shifted. I have been genuinely happy for the last week and few days give or take. Which is really rare for me I am always on the lower end of the happy spectrum. But he has changed that for me and im not sure how so much. But im happy that it has happened maybe because this huge weight has been lifted and its wonderful.

I still refuse to call him my boy friend just yet. I just don't want to put some random superficial title to what we are. Titles tend to make things more complicated. And im loving this in all its noncomplicated glory. It may not be the usual route "couples" take but both of us are far from average which is wonderful.

Of course along with those who are happy for us. There are the skeptical and thats fine. Cause really who's to say we won't last. No one knows for sure. Right now im enjoying this for what it is comfort possibly love I don't know. But also this wonderful safety. My mom swears up and down this is a bad idea. But she is going on the evidence of my past relationships. Abusers, cheaters, and just all around bad guys who I tend to attract. But I don't want to beleive that this is what will happen with Jesse. Am I talking forever here? Well no not reallly because forever is a long time. And people change.

But once again I am just consentrating on enjoying this for what it is. The begining of something bigger :). Of course im not throwing myself all in and I won't for a long time. Because its true I have been hurt constantly and I am guarded and I am battle scarred and I am wary of relationships. I guess what im fumbling for is to say im testing the waters and so far they are great and no one is going to bring me down. Because right now he's what I want.

Let Go

Lol sorry these are so long. What can I say lol I talk alot ;).

Anyways I just have a couple things to touch on today. Lol I will TRY not to make it a novel but you never know with me.

Lastnight I said goodbye to Robert. When he died I wasent there I wasent able to tell him goodbye and the millions of other things I wanted to tell him. I realized though my pain from that whole situation was running my life in a sense. And though I loved him very much I need that closure. I need to let that wound heal. If I don't it will just consume me further and I do want to move on. As cold as it sounds its true. And so lastnight I wrote him a three page letter and looked through my notebook and pulled out the song I wrote him after he passed away. I also had a single red rose. At about 8:30pm I headed to the cemetary to say goodbye. I sat and talked to his headstone for almost an hour. I then told him goodbye and walked away. I will NEVER forget him. He had such a huge impact on my life he changed me for the better. But I need to let go of the pain. And I think he would want me to.

Speaking of people who have passed away and closure............

My Grandma passed away this past Halloween from multiple strokes and brain damage. The summer before I spent a week in PA with her after her first couple strokes. But I could not visit her when she was falling apart in the hospital. My dad just told me lastnight that his siblings, aunt, and himself are going to where they buried my grandpa's ashes and they are going to take Grandma's and bury her with him. He told me he had forgotten to mention it and if I wanted to come I could. But to be honest I don't do so well with my emotions around the rest of my family. When I went to my grandma's memorial I forced myself not to cry I DID NOT want to be comforted at all. I know it sounds cold but I just don't feel comfortable when anyone but my parents see me cry or comfort me. Its not because I love the others any less I just am a guarded private person. Lol except for when it comes to blogs oh well! But I explained that I thought that was something just for them and he understood. He also told me at some point he and I will go and visit the bench they are buried at just the two of us. It is hard because out of all my grandparents (I have three sets due to my dads parents divorce) I was closest to those two. And I miss them everyday.


Well there I made a slightly shorter entry Lmao!

All These Things That I've Done

Anymore I really don't get to go out a whole lot with my friends. The most I usually get out for is the occasional grocery shopping trip or concert.

But since my best friend Lindsay is on spring break she wanted to hang out. Which was cool since we hardly ever have to to just go out and have fun. So we went to the movies and saw "21". Which both of us had read "Bringing Down the House" but we both loved the movie very much though it was different. It was pretty fast paced and far from boring. It also helped that Jim Sturgess (her favorite though I agree he is cute) and Jacob Pitts (my favorite) were in it to look at.

We then went to the mall and spent a couple hours there. Though after the movie we were both pretty broke lol had enough money for Pizza but that was it. We also ended up getting lost inside Hollister I think it was? Lol I have no idea it was dark inside and confusing. Obviously not my type of store at all. But we had fun. She then came back to my house and we hung out until 9:30 and I had to go to bed. To get up at 4:30am to babysit yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy


Speaking of friends lol I have to mention my other best friend and "twin" Breeze lol . She pretty much rocks. She's a new mom and a single mom and that and she is doing great. Her daughter is lucky to have suck a great mom. She has always been there for me to listen to all my drama and give me advice. She is just all around awesome :).

OH! Also I did not not graduate high school do to missing too much school because of illness. I also did not pass my math OGT. So I have been getting by for almost a year now with out a high school diploma. And I realized even the most simple jobs require a High School diploma. And so I applied to Stratford Career Institute online to finnish up my high school courses from home which is awesome. I will be able to do it while babysitting and in all my spare time. I am then going to take the online Vet assistant course :).


Now for a bit about Maggie.


The little girl I babysit daily is 2 years old and is a absolute animal lover. And luckily her mother has taught her the proper way to behave around animals. Atleast the best a 2 year old can behave I guess. Anyways the first day she was here I put Maggie in her crate. Just because the last experience she had with a little girl totally ruined any progress we had once made and I didn't want to scare the little girl with all of Maggies barking and carrying on.


Monday I had let Maggie sleep upstairs in my moms bed since I had to be up 4am that morning. The little girl was dropped off and was here for a couple hours before she spilled milk on her clothes lol. So I ran down in the basement to throw them in the dryer. Little did I know my mom had let Maggie out of the bedroom. When I came up there stood the little girl petting Maggie but I looked under Maggie where she submissive pee'd. Something she only does with little girls and men. I didn't make a big deal out of it just went and cleaned it up. To my surprise Maggie did really well with the girl. She didn't bark or growl or whine which are her usual only responses to girls her age. I kept close tabs on them both and always carefully supervised pets and all of that. I could tell Maggie was very unsure but she allowed the little girl to do as she pleased. I was over all surprised and pleased at how well Maggie did honestly.


I am so happy right now. Maggie has decided she loves the little girl I have been babysitting. Like I said before I think it really helps that the little girl has been raised to behave around animals. Yesterday I noticed Maggie actually wagged her tail at her a tiny bit. Today when she got dropped off Maggie climbed right up on to the couch sniffing her face and wagging her tail like crazy! It sounds like its not such a big deal. But for a dog that usually panics and tries to run when a little girl is around. This is HUGE . Actually right now Maggie is laying on the couch with her! I am so proud of her I just hope it helps with other little girls as well.


Now if I could just get her over her fear of men.......

Lol oh about the picture its about a year old. My hair is different and im not as pale anymore lmao. But yup thats me and the Mags!

Baby Its A Wild World

So the cardinal rule of music.........Do NOT romance within the band.....Lol well I am currently breaking that rule. Let me start from the begining.

About a year ago like I said in my last entry I started a new band with new boys.

When I had been in Last Kiss Robert and I though there was a age difference and he had a GF had kissed twice and it went alittle farther once. It was a big secret because like I said we had an age difference. But even more so because relationships can complicate the dynamic of the band.

When I brought Jesse, Zach, and Iggy into my life I told myself that I WOULD NOT fall for any of them. Well that was hard with Jesse. He is probley one of the best looking guys I have ever met. He is a mix of Billy Currington and Dierks Bentley lol in looks if you can imagine them mixed into one tall dark haired English boy lol. Oh yeah he's from the UK straight from England with a super thick sometimes hard to understand accent which tends to make girls knee's buckle lmao.

My only excuse for what happen next was I was lonely and hadent had real physical contact with the opposite sex in a long LONG time lol. So he and both being attracted to each other made a deal. We would be "friends with benefits" but we both had to make sure we did not become emotionally involved at all! It was fun for awhile though there was no sex surprisingly enough. He did spend alot of nights at my house which I shared with my mom. She was worried at first because though I was 18 he was still in his 20s (he's now 23). But I didn't see the big deal honestly. But the big deal was when Jesse became emotionally attatched. I told him that was not the deal and we had to stop. And we did. Stupid me thought it could work that way.......But it was obvious when he couldn't get over it when I started dating a much older guy (28) and at they point where they actually got in a physical fight over me! In the end my BF and I parted on good terms for the most part.

So months have gone by and around Christmas time he left to visit his family in the UK for the Holidays. He had a crappy roommate who treated him pretty crappy and had no respect for him. When he came back to the US he found all of his stuff in their garage. While Jesse was gone his roommate moved in his GF and moved Jesse out! With nowhere to go my mom offered him the basement but he had to pay rent just like I did. He actually has a really nice set up bathroom/shower, living room, and bedroom. He also brought his three small dogs Tino, Badger, and Zeppelin.

Things had gone fine for awhile up until Chris from Last Kiss came in the picture. He was supposed to be getting married and I was going to sing at his wedding. Surprisingly enough Chris and I had been getting along and actually became friends after Roberts death. Well then about a month ago the idiot tried to kiss me and tell me he loved me. To make a long story short he called off his wedding because he realized he wasent really in love with her. I met with him a couple times to talk and I did consider how I felt about him. I didn't lie to Jesse though I came home and would answer all his questions which upset him.

About a week ago though I realized it was all wrong with Chris. I just felt like I had contributed to him calling off his wedding and that made me feel horrible. I have battled sever depression all my life and have a history of suicidal tendancies and eating disorders. But I have done really well for a few years now. But right now I have no health insurance and could not afford my meds. And so because of all the stress I backslid. I had cut myself and hadent eaten in 4 days. My mom then offered the money to pay for my pills. When this all went on Chris had not called me to see if I was okay and hasent called me since. But when I walked in the door coming back from my doctors appointment there was Jesse waiting for me inside the door arms out ready to embrace me. I walked over and he wrapped me in the biggest tightest safest feeling hug I had had in long time. I hadent felt so safe in someones arms since Robert.

Two days ago I was faced with something important. Jesse told me he had to move out and leave the band. He could not just stand by and watch me fall into anouther relationship. He told me he was very much in love with me. And he knew no matter how much I denied it I was in love with him too. He then told my face in his hands and asked me why I couldn't just let those walls down? He then left telling me he would start moving out the next day. I realized with all my heart I did not want him out of my life. But I was terrfied of starting a relationship with him because the pain would be even worse when/if we were to break up. A good friend of mine asked me though. Is the what if's worse than not trying at all? I thought about it long and hard.......

That night he when he came home I told him he would have to be patient. But I would like to slowly see where we could go as more than just friends. And so thats the story so far. We airn't "boyfriend and girlfriend" or "dating" just yet but we are working up to that. And honestly I am excited and happy about it. I think i might love him we will see!!!!

I Should Tell You

Lol okay so your all going to have to bear with me. I havent blogged in years literally and this will probley be painful boring for all of you lol. But im bored and working from home this may keep me sane lol. So I guess for this first entry I will just build off my profile so you can learn a bit more about me.

First off I should tell you that all my blog entry titles will be song titles. Just because im not that creative and I am music obsessed.

To know me is to know my music history. Here is my story.

I am a musician first and foremost. I was born into the world of music lovers and we playing guitar by the age of 6 and had been singing since I was 4. I was entered and won a number of talent contests though my younger years. And got a commercial lol. So when I hit 13 I was no longer "cute" and my mom refused to fund my shows and refused to take me to auditions. My older sister had finally got going in her modeling and that was the main focus. At that time I not only played acoustic and electric guitar but also bass, violin, drums, and piano. My school music teachers loved me because not only could I read music easily I also could play by just hearing a tune. So with being ignored I found myself some girls and started my first band. We called ourselves "Candy" Lol yeah it was bad but hey we were 13 year old girls. Really it was what could be expected. Bubble gum poppy songs mostly covers but also this is when I started writing songs. Yes we all played instruments not everyone was as good as others but we got shows. Mostly 13 year olds parties ;) but also some fairs. We stayed together for a whole year and a 1/2 lol until well they all lost interest.I continued to write songs and even got in on open mic nights at coffee houses and such. I was told I had a great talent and should find anouther band. I knew I didn't want to be in anouther all girl band ever again so I was on the look out for boys. And trust me no male based bands what to add in a girl. And I understood why you didn't want to become anouther chick lead singer and nameless band stereotype.

But when I hit 16 I got a big break with a well known local band called "Last Kiss Before Death". I had replied to a flier after their lead guitarist had left the band. They were frantic for a replacement. When I went to audition two of the band members couldn't make it that was Chris and Zach. But the third Robert was there and he was more than willing to see what I had. So I explained to him how I played and what I could play. I then showed him and belted my heart out. He agreed on the spot to hire me and was sure the other two would love me. Lol well he wasent so right lol. They hated I was a girl and I was much younger than them. And I WAS A GIRL!!! Lol I was to be the end of their band their demise and it was all Roberts fault because I wasen't going anywhere.It was true I was a girl lol and I was young. Robert was the youngest at 20 then there was Zach 22 and Chris 24. And they had history they grew up together and were still bitter their other life long friend had left the band. But after I made it clear I didn't want the spot light that Chris was the star and that I could be mature...Well we all dealt with each other. And we did amazing we always had a few shows a week if not atleast one and even toured around and out of the state. We even had a cd and tshirts we sold. We were all just waiting on me to turn 18 so we could to Hollywood and get a REAL record deal. But that never happened.A week before I turned 18 Robert was killed in a tragic car crash. He was my best friend and my sanity and the reason I fell in even deeper love with music.

It hit as all hard and in different ways. Chris sold his guitar and equipment and quit music. Zach just ran off with his gf at the time and got married. I quit playing for almost a year after. Until I realized I couldn't live with out music and I needed it. Its my one true connection to Robert and I feel like he is still here when I play.So with my reputataion I figured I could hold auditions of my own and put together my own band. And so I found Jesse, Iggy, and anouther Zach lol. I am the lead singer and guitarist again. But its not all about me as Jesse has his own songs he sings. We are called "Wild Eyes" LOL don't ask its a long story. And we being fairly new are doing great as fans from Last Kiss have crossed over. We still have a long way to go but it is a great ride. Of course I work two "real jobs" to get by so I can enjoy my music. I also am going to school for Vet Tech in the fall. So I am being smart. Lol okay this turned out really long and boring. Lol sorry. But to know me is to know my music history like I said.


Now that you know all about that I will tell you a bit about my dog Maggie May and other pets who I am sure I am going to post alot about on here.

If you have lasted this long good deal you win a cookie!!

I got Maggie going on 2 years ago from a private rescue my moms bestfriend ran. Maggie May was a puppymill case. Literally she lived out in a kennel in a large barn full of other kennels and dogs. She was bred before she was even a year old and had puppies before her first birthday. Because of this she had complications being pregnant so young and her pups had to be removed via c-section. Thats when her breeders decided she was a useless breeding dog and had her spayed on the spot. They then brought her to the rescue and within a couple weeks I adopted my heart dog and brought her home. She's a purebred (badly bred) American Cocker Spaniel black and white parti color.

She had some issues when she came here originally. Lots of health problems her ears are a mess that have to be constantly specially medicated daily. She has severe skin problems and so she has to be bathed with a special shampoo and oatmeal water. She also has some slight breathing problems and a tail docked MUCH too shorter much shorter than standard. I think she was docked by the breeders honestly. Really she has all the typical Cocker Spaniel health problems my poor girl. She also came with two HUGE fears of Men and little girls so bad that when she comes in close contact with either she submissive pee's and yelps and shrieks like someone is killing her. We have been working on her problems for a long time and she has made progress though she is still very afraid of both. Funny thing is she LOVES little boys and LOVES women. My only guess is she had some horrible experiences with big men and little girls when she was a puppy.

But put all her issues aside and you will find a amazing sweet dog. She is my constant companion, my shadow, my sanity, my bed warmer, and my heart dog. She is extremely smart and knows a number of commands which she happily obeys. She loves music especially when I play my acoustic guitar. She loves to lay her head on my knee and listen to the music come out. She also loves it when I sing to her. She is actually named after the song "Maggie May". And im not one for dressing up pets but she does have a black "tank top" that reads "Rockstar" lol . She loves cats and likes most dogs though she is partial to Cocker Spaniels. She doesent like Boston Terriers at all. Ever since she was severly attacked by my neighbors people and dog aggressive Boston Terrier she has had a huge fear of them.

Bottom line I can't imagine not having her in my life. She alot of times has been the only thing keeping me in this world. She gets me and I plan to have her until she passes away at a ripe old age. And with her turning 3 June 7th I would say we have plenty of years left together :).

Now for the cats.

Wicked lol. Wicked from the local shelter at 12 weeks old. I got her in the summer and she will be a year old in a few days actually! She is a Torte completely black and orange hence her name. She is the defination of "prissy" lol. She will avoid getting dirty at all costs and has a panic attack it almost seems when she tries to clean herself. She does not engage in rough play with the boy but enjoys running around the house like a maniac. She is the first one asking for pets and cuddles. She actually has this strange thing she does that I have never had anouther cat dog before. When she is feeling extra lovey she will come up and press her little kitty lips to any persons lips and close her eyes. LMAO I think she has watched one too many chick flicks. She has also been known to give little love licks to peoples faces. She is the princess of the house its her way of the highway lol.

Smidgeon AKA TROUBLE lol. Smidgeon came to us at 4-5 weeks of age. I witnessed him being thrown from a moving car window one cold day early November. He was so small I could hold him cupped in my small hands. He was a cute little bally of gray tabby fluff....He was just a little Smidgeon. I got special formula from my vet with the warning that he may not survive. I chose to beleive otherwise. He did however have flea's so bad they took over his entire body and made him lose all of his fur on the back of his head and neck. When he was about 6 weeks old he was near death because of this he never played or ran like normal kittens he would just stay snuggled up on my shoulder and sleep. That was when we got a special kitten safe medicated shampoo from the vet. He told us he couldn't guarantee though that even if we got every flea off his little body that he would survive. That night we spent an hour picking fleas off Smidgeons little limp body and watching bloody water run down the sink drain. I started to cry when we wrapped him in a towel because to me he seemed almost gone. The next day a brand new Smidgeon emerged. He was weak but had a new found energy and hunger. Weeks passed and he grew fast and his true personality emerged. A trouble maker, a clown, a sweetie, and just an all around boy. A vocal boy at that. And now here I sit with my 16 week old Smidgeon he is big and full of muscles. Energetic with a huge personality and full soft coat. I have a special bond with him he will always be dear to my heart. He's my survivor.

Quincy the Handsome model lol. Quincy is the newest addition he came to me 2 months ago from my uncle who could not keep him because he was moving. Quincy is a purebred white/grey shaded male Persian cat. If you don't know what that is look at that Fancy Feast cat lol. He is the calmest most easy going yet vain cat I have ever had. He KNOWS he's handsome lol. He will be a year old in a month. The only regret I have about Quincy is his front paws are declawed. My uncle had this done to protect his furniture. Which I think is a really poor excuse. If it was my choice Quincy would still have all his claws they would just be clipped every other week like Wicked and Smidgeon. Quincy isn't so much a lappy cat he would rather lay elsewhere. He does love to be held so he can look out the door to see the outside world. In other words all our cats are deprived inside cats ;). He does however love to sleep with me at night he like Maggie is a great bed warmer.


I will make a different entry about my horse later as this has gone on far too long. Lol sorry I must have bored you all to tears.